In a few months I will be turning the big 30… I never saw how quickly this day was approaching. For as long as I can remember, being 30 meant being old, dried up and near-death. But, soon I shall be joining the billions of people in the category over 30. It makes me cringe, I want to cry and beg the universe to help me find the fountain of youth somewhere deep in the jungles of Africa so I can stay 29 forever!! Unfortunately the universe can not be bargained with or bribed. SO here I am, 29, and no closer to knowing what I want in life; who I am, where I’m going, trying to get into shape, married and childless (hopefully for a long long time, but we all know time is ticking) – in basic English – TRYING TO FIND MYSELF.
My entire 29 years of life have been spent looking for others to validate my existence, to tell me I am okay and that I belong in the world. However, I realise I have wasted my time focusing on other people when they themselves don’t even know who they are. It’s time I change that and focus on me, honestly being ‘okay being me’ and truly finding out ‘who am I?’. I don’t want to live the rest of my life not being happy. I have had some pretty harrowing things happen to me and being alive today is truly a miracle. But, I want to live… What does that even look like? How do I even start, where do I even start. I am sitting here scared to death, because ‘what if I don’t succeed in being okay’? Has anyone else gone through this? Am I an anomaly?
So I have impulsively bought plane tickets to Bali, Indonesia (again!) for this September (2018) for close to month. I want to be 30 in a different timezone, perhaps it will be less harrowing and I can be 29 for a little while longer (merely hours but still). Being in the land of the Gods (Bali) has always been therapeutic for me. No, I am not having an Eat Pray Love moment, just time to re-energise and really start thinking about how I can make my dreams come true. I have always loved travelling – is there more to life than this? Is this what my heart truly desires – to travel and see the world, meet new people and experience new cultures? I have never had the courage to find out what my dreams are, I have always been so fearful about failure and making a fool of myself; so fearful about disappointing my parents (although I think at the moment I can not do anymore to disappointment them as my life is already a disappointment to them) especially being African, living in a Western country, there is so much pressure to fit in and have the house, the job, the car and most importantly the offspring to further populate the planet…
So this is my journey to find out who I am. What do I want to do with this life of mine? Will the universe show me? I hope so, because I know I want more for myself and I want to live this life the best way I can – loving each moment as I am quickly learning that life, is so very very precious.
One day at a time…