After five years in my previous job I decided to take the plunge and leave. It was the most difficult decision I had to make. I was comfortable yet deeply unhappy and not interested in moving up the company. Decided that leaving the job would be the answer to all my problems, unknown to me it would be so challenging that I would have second thoughts about the decision.
My previous role was challenging – working with people that society coins as ‘miscreants’. I walked into this role thinking I would make a difference, I had hope twinkling in my eyes, smelling of naivety, eagerness and trust in humanity. Soon with time out of this garden grew the wildflowers – scepticism; suspicion; thinking all humankind was cruel; unfeeling and deadly. All this took five years before deciding it was time to make a change.
The truth is, I was scared to leave. I have never had much direction in my life; I have kind of fallen into things without thinking things through. When I was at university I went with what I believed would be easy; and would not require much effort on my part (also would answer all the questions I had of myself) – Psychology. I didn’t necessarily enjoy it nor did I find the answers I was looking for. However I continued to pursue this path – why? The answer has always been deep seated fear. SO the cycle continued – apply for everything and ‘see what sticks’. That’s what I did – and the only interview I was called for was the job I got. Fate? Maybe – stupidity most likely.
Before starting the new role I took time some time to think things through – I was seriously re-thinking my decision : was that wise? Should I be changing my career so late? What if I fail? What if I am making a ‘not so bright decision’. Feeling so stressed, I decided to seek an out of the box experience to cope with the debilitating emotions. For some reason floating in a tub of 600kgs of epsom salt (naked) would be the answer to all my prayers!
I went forward and purchased an eye watering expensive session at INFINITY FLOAT. Floating in a black-out room, immersed in salt. What is the connection – you ask? There is nothing one can not face that doesn’t induce some level of fear. The whole experience – I was having second thoughts about it all. Why would I spend so much money for salt? I mean it is just salt nothing special… God – I can not even swim what if I drown? What if I am judged for being too large? What if – what if- what if… Always thinking worst case scenario. Same with changing my career – what if I have made the biggest mistake of my life? What if I left just before I got a promotion? What if I exaggerated the experience and it wasn’t all that bad? What if there was nothing wrong with the job – but it is me?
The list is endless, I didn’t know that the floating session would be an enjoyable experience. I do not know if this change in career will work out or not. I do not know of what will come out of this change – it’s all dark and I can not see what’s around the corner. Nothing in life is ever wasted and there are no mistakes they are just learning opportunities. With my previous employment – I learned that I am not ‘dumb’ I have a good brain, I am actually smart and I am more than capable. I don’t know what I will learn from changing my career, all I can do is forge ahead; gather experience and find out what I truly want to do – because I can safely say this – I don’t have a clue! I will not find out by sitting on my hands and hoping it will come to me like a vision? Some action on my part has to be taken. It certainly wont be easy nor will it be pleasant at times. But I am willing to go ahead and find out.
At the very worst what’s the worst that can happen really? Hate it? Been there done that – got the t-shirt, I survived it and I will survive this new direction too. May need more than epsom salt this time around!