It’s been months and I have not sat down to put my thoughts and feelings onto paper. Every-time I did ‘try’ to sit and type – found myself browsing the web and contemplating purchasing another dress or a pair of shoes; and round and round I went. Especially at the end of the day after work, all I wanted to do was escape rather than write about how I truly feel about my job.
I am one of the unlucky people on this planet who don’t enjoy their work. My job consists of me being abused constantly by the ‘clients’ in a very unsupportive and toxic environment of fear. Basically I call it “Hell”, and what keeps me in ‘hell’ is fear. Fear of starting afresh, fear of not earning the same amount (as they pay me just enough to keep me), but the greatest fear of all – Fear that I won’t find anything enjoyable or what is ‘right’ for me.
So I stay, I stay for the bills, staying for the sick leave and annual leave, staying for the false idea of ‘status’. This comes at a great cost of peace of mind, as every weekday I get up with a deep sense of dread and despair. Asking myself “is this it? is this my life?”. I could look for another job of course, but that’s a temporary solution for me. Because i have been in this exact same place before therefore, changing to my current position.
The real issue is that I don’t know what I want to do. I can jump from job to job and still be deeply unhappy and dissatisfied. So I have decided (imperfectly) attempt to find my path. Many people have succeeded in re-training or finding their passion.
What I am trying out:
- Sticking to the 40 hours a week and having strong boundaries around this: I have a tendency of working over time (for no extra pay). To prove that I am capable and knowledgeable. Getting accolades so I can ‘feel’ better about myself. Thinking if my manager values me, then I can learn to like my job – it makes zero sense!
- De-investing emotionally: thinking of me meeting my needs – paying my bills, this is what matters. Thinking of that Bali trip I get to take at the end of the year.
- Not engaging in any negative discussions about anything or anyone *No gossiping*: the environment is so toxic – gossip. It is so easy for me to get drawn into gossiping about managers, other co-workers. Because of this resentments are so easy and in turn this affects my self esteem heavily.
- Not comparing myself to other co-workers: I have been in my current role for 4 years. Some of my co-workers whom I started with are now managers, advisors, leaders and I am still in the same role. I have had opportunities to ‘move up’, but chose not to because – this is not the company I want to invest myself in. I can only compare myself to myself.
- Writing positive messages to myself on post it notes – ‘One day at a time’. When I am having a tough time – reading these messages helps remind me that I have a choice on what I think. Accepting that this is where I am right now and things will change. they ALWAYS DO! Choosing to see the positive in what I do currently – my job is service to the wider community
- Starting the journey of finding out what I am interested in and trying it all out *taking on my secret side project*: started a podcast, getting back into blogging, learning to code. I have no idea what I am doing but doing it anyway. I have no dreams, passion, ideas of what I want to do – so I am trying everything and anything!
Just the beginning
It has not been easy but I know it is worth investing a lot of time and energy into. Rather than continue to stew in despair whilst affecting myself and others around me. It feels like change is on the horizon for me. This journey I am embarking on will be rewarding if I keep the focus on me and not give up (which I can easily do when things get too hard).
So I don’t like my job, but I no longer hate it. I have chosen (for now) not to look for another job because ultimately it is not about the job itself, but about me. Every single job I have had, I have not enjoyed it – kept jumping from one job to the next. I want to try and do something different. Whether or not it will work – only time will tell.